Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Stop Thief....ending a love affair with styleI

My eccentric dear friend Paddy(Irish of course )  comes to visit me in St Leonards once a year.We never fail to reminisce about the various adventures ...some quite dangerous .....and some touchingly naive that we have experienced together .  We are both Pisces  and therefore our relationship can become quite volatile indeed being two fishes swimming in opposite directions downright dangerous.  For a while he lived in my house in Peckham. At the time I was having a relationship with a racing driver who was obsessively in love ....not with me..... but with his damn car a zooped up Renault....not a particularly satisfying  for me ! Everyday it was polished , caressed , tuned and examined and yes I was jealous of A CAR .I received no such attention. Frequently I was told " can't tsee you tonight ...  Berty  needs attention (yes the car  even had a name ) or there's an important race tomorrow must get to bed early ....alone ." Eventually I of course exploded and the relationship ended. He was just leaving my house when He realised that he had mislaid his car keys . Panic ensued however all was not lost as a spare set of keys was at his garage which he ran as aside line . "I'll pick  Berty  up tonight ...won't disturb you pet " he said. God how I hated his words of so called affection
"Disturb , the whole street will hear the damn  car (I refused to call it Berty )It sounds like a Jet taking off . " I replied angrily.
"Yeh Yeh great isn't it " He said glowingly patting Berty's bonnet .
"Just go I screamed at him ...for ever and don't come back  !"
He nonchalantly left the house "Fine with me. Bye! Got someone lined up anyway . " and I never saw him again .Paddy had witnessed the whole episode with Tom.
There was a famous private  Dr in Harley Street that we( the fashion crowd in the 60's and 70's ) visited to stay reed thin . I always visited him after the ending of a love affair . He put you on high protein diet grape fruit juice and injected you often through your tights and gave you a prescription for more pills  and the weight just dropped off as well as leaving you on a high . What we didn't realise was that he was injecting you with a very high dose of  amphetamine.Some people became seriously  addicted and ended up in the Priory Clinic . Eventually the Dr was barred from practising and many lives were saved from addiction . I used him just to lose ten lbs and then I stopped going.
I was obsessively cleaning the kitchen at the time( no doubt the amphetamines were taking affect ) when I discovered a set of keys behind the washing machine . Paddy was with me at the time .
"Ever stolen a car Paddy ?"I asked nonchalantly the keys rattling in my hands.
"Of course not ....why ?"
"I have an idea ."
"Oh no. Not one of your mad ideas again and stop this obsessive cleaning, you've got a damn cleaner for God sake . "
"Look ...his keys , the car keys . " I said rattling the keys ."We could go over to his house , check him out to see if he is in . He usually goes to the pub around 7.30 to closing time  and never takes the car . "
"I am not, repeat not stealing a car ."
"I am not suggesting stealing the car ....just moving the car from A to B.  His home ........to the garage off the Old Kent Road , five minutes away. He will go berserk when he sees it has gone . Come on Paddy it's just a bit of fun , an adventure.  "
It did not take much convincing and Paddy's girlfriend at the time was very encouraging." Bonny and Clyde ! " she squealed .
"OK! synchronise watches . It's 4.30 now . Lets set off at 9.00. We'll be back here by 11 at least .
I rang Tom at 9.00 to make sure that he was out . I also checked out the pub surreptitiously to make sure that he was there. He was as usual propping up the bar regaling stories  about his various races .  He lived in a mews house just off the Old Kent Road and as usual the car was parked outside . He always boasted that no one could get away with stealing the car as it made such a racket so it was never alarmed . Stupid man .
We quickly got in the car all three of us ....... adrenaline pumping away. and took off . The roar of the engine was deafening and poor Paddy was not an experienced driver . Changing gear was a challenge and he was so terrified that he drove it at not more than 15 mile an hour along the Old Kent Road . It was a wonder that we weren't pulled over by the police .  WE pulled into his garage which was closed up for the night. The keys were put through the letterbox and my piece de resistance , a short note in the car . your keys are in the garage. Suggest you get an alarm .xxx
I heard on the grapevine that he found the whole episode highly amusing and took it very well .
Of course 30 years have passed and I often wonder what we would have said had the police pulled us over ...a lucky escape . Paddy has never forgiven me !

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